We Always Want What We Can
by Cornelia Yuuki
Summary: There are things one cannot have, one cannot feel, see, or hear....but what if it is love? will it be of the same case? SS fic.. reviews pls!
1. Journal entry no1

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Cardcaptors.. I also don't own this fic. This is owned by my friend _Kristine_.

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**We Always Want What We Can't Have…**

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We always want what we can't have…We always get what we like least but at the end of the road it proved to be worth taking it after all. Life sure is unpredictable. So many things to see, hear, feel and experience. It's funny how we just get fed up over small things then give up when we still haven't moved an inch of our guts to work on our dilemmas.

I used to say I am strong and that I should use this strength to help someone who suffers worst than me but, in one way or another it's been me who needs to be saved; it was me who needs to be saved. Saved from my selfishness, stupidity and naivety. I used to think that I've been a fool all along to stay at one point of my life grieving for someone who can't come back from the dead, someone who lays a path of standstill time and faded memories…someone whose smile will stay frozen in a picture that has been scorched by the flames of cremation. Why is it that the things that we want are the things we can't get?

Why do some people love strangers, act like fools and fall for—for someone who can't be there for them? Why do they choose to suffer and wait in vain for that persona to come and save them, or tell them that what's between them has long been gone? It's funny what love can do to one's heart and sense of judgment…but this is the state where I am right now…and for some reason I just can't accept the fact that I have just lost him. All these times and again, I kept on telling myself that I should move on and get back into being that high school girl who aspires to be a wife someday. ..But it's truly hard to pretend or cover things up, plaster a smile on tear filled face…cover your eyes with fake emotions and deny the love I still have for him… no matter how wrong everything seemed to be. Even if I couldn't see him, couldn't feel him, couldn't hear his voice…'tis funny how I fell for him this way. It's like falling in love with a shadow. With the wind. With a ghost. And for some reason I can't think of any real argument to myself why I chose to set him free like this…when all I really want was for him to stay beside me in the state we are now in. then again… I know…that all he really desired for was my happiness even if it meant bringing pain to him. Shouldn't I hate him? Shouldn't I be happy he's free now? I don't know what to feel right now…I'm so confused…

WE always want the things we can never have…WE always get the things we want the least both facts brings pain to me…much more painful than cutting my wrists with a blade. I hate to make him suffer like this… now I still get to end things with him without seeing him, seeing the face of that guy I loved the most…I always say that I should try to help him, to save him…but it was me whose pathetic after all. It was me who needed to be saved…saved from being dead, for being a coward, for being a total loser… I always want the things that I can never get…but—I hope that this will prepare a new path from me…to finally go out to the world and be … me. IT hurts but from this time onward, I will look into the words he gave to me to hold on to… as a memory of the strongest and strangest love I've felt despite the miles apart from us.

I want you to know this. I love you and my feelings for you will never change even if my world will turn around. I'll try to be the same...I won't change for the worst. I'll always be the Shin you know.

Then again, maybe 'tis the best thing to do at our state…maybe this was really…really the best thing to do…it so then maybe, I'll just cry a river for the while, then build a bridge and get over all of these…even if deep within I know and I feel that I really shouldn't give him up.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Well how was it? is Kristine good? Make her happy.. send me ALL THE REVIEWS you got! Arigatou Gozaimasu! Wait for the next chappie…


	2. Journal entry no2

**Disclaimer: **I don't own CCS… I wish I could… but…..

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**A Monthsary to Remember…**

**_December 29th, 2006_**

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I was so much certain that I could move on away from this…this tragedy. But as the days pass, I began to feel so…so unsure of this decision…I started to ask questions about this decision of letting him go, then before I knew it, I was looking at the calendar, eyeing at the number 29th of December mist hurting y eyes thus, pricking tears which fell from my face… these weeks I've pushed myself in doing things which, according to my Auntie, could help me move on in a breeze. I was reintroduced to some guys which I've left before I met him and my parents, though unknowing, didn't seem to mind me leaving the house often. It was probably mom's intuition. (Smile) Anyway, it really didn't turn out well with those guys; I feel all kinds of stupid being with jerks. So I then turned to my partner in crime…he's a guy I call Lain. Lainhel, used to be the guy I had a crush on back at third year, I didn't think he'd have done the inviting-me-to-the-mall thingy if he didn't detect a fault with his partner. But well, I have to admit, although he seemed to be so—unstable, heck, in a sense, he's a very benevolent man you could count on at times of trouble. So anyway, we went to the movies, stood watching the sunset, talked while drinking iced tea until landing the conversation to our past loves. I knew he was starring down at me when I looked at the red kite flying free in the skies and he must have done something that made me tell him that, before I met Shinei, it was him I fell in love with. Then again, I said in the exact, same way… "But then again, as always, it was an unrequited love…" He was silent, probably thinking of some ways to alter or deeply dug conversation hole but in vain, I think, so he ended up telling me about the girl he used to love…When we stood, looking at the sunset…I felt something stab my heart…the I realized, that it may look like the painting that I have received from Shinei last July 7th 2006… then I remember what he told me that day… it feels so warm to be reading and reminiscing despite the pain…Then again…I realized…the whole day I've spent with Lain there at the Mall, all I blurted out was Shin, Shinei, Shun…whatever name he possesses….it didn't matter who or what he was called…all I knew was… it was always him, and only him….

But then, it didn't matter what happened there at the mall with Lain. Right now, I stood dumbly in front of the wall calendar sighing to myself, at the red felt mark on the number 29th, on the column Friday... This is the day when I first listened to one song for the whole day. Just…just that song I happened to be listening to when he first told me that he loves me…Just to that song "Unbelievable" by Craig David…And nothing else. Just when I strived to be living this life normally, I get hit by that stupid—hateful song…that song which still captures my ears despite the memory. It'll be okay if I'd stop listening to that song for once…but I can't. Have I been turned into a lunatic? I don't know what's wrong with this mind, this heart, or this slender body! I hate myself for being like this yet WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP THINKING OF HIM AND MOVE ON?! To move on. What a thing to do. Everyone tells me that, every single person tells me that. Didn't they know it is not that easy? Call me stupid, lunatic, crazy, Fine! I don't really know what was wrong when I fell for him that way, even thought we only communicate through mails, through chat…even if I still remain too obscure to who he really is! I feel so used, so stupid for falling for him…But I do love him despite those hateful, truthful facts! That's why I can't accept I'd let him go, that's why I remain so stuck up, so fed up…no wait, my older bro said that's not the term t0 use, unsure. Yeah, that's the term…So unsure of myself, so stupid to get a view of my own life and move on! I was so into this dilemma and I couldn't get out…

So then I stood, looking at the calendar marked with a red on the 29th, feeling so regretful about what I did, but nonetheless, happy I'd set this soul free, even though I know deep within that unrequited love, loneliness and emptiness won over and dominated my broken life. How else could it get worse? Easy, if I find someone to love again and was thrown away pathetically like before. True enough; the weakest creature living in this world is a woman, in love. So I stood looking at this calendar, stupidly, dumbly, but smiling as tears run down. I still love him after all. That's why no matter how I wanted to tear that page apart, I couldn't; because the memories of his love was the chain that kept me hanging on for the longest time in my life. What an empty monthsary worth remembering… and to think that after two days, I'll be facing a new year, and hopefully, a new life strived without him.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **What do you think? Should she continue? Reviews please!!


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